The Suffering Fool

Kathleen Turner doesn’t suffer fools gladly.  I know all about it because I’ve read her memoirs, cover-to-cover.  Her stories were sassy and sincere and the book comes with a free bonus: you get to add Kathleen to the list of people that will openly admit that they despise Nicholas Cage.  Therefore, we know she’s human. 

One of the most human instincts that she reveals after a few good chapters of deep dish is that Kathleen Turner’s number one priority happens to be Kathleen Turner.  I can totally respect that.  She even named the book “Send Yourself Roses” after her fundamental concept in self-love. 

On an opening night, in order to insure that her achievement is properly recognized, Kathleen Turner sends herself the roses.  If you've ever read Virginia Woolf, you’re undoubtedly thinking, “How Clarissa Dalloway of her,” and you’d be right.  The lady buys the herself flowers in case no one else does.  She has, in effect, created an essential back-up plan for those disheartening moments when you get let down by the people you love.  This book is proof being let down can happen even to the normal, everyday woman.  Like Kathleen Turner. 

Still, while sending yourself roses may give you a smile of self-satisfaction, it doesn’t make it any less discomforting when you notice that no one else bothered.  That sad moment can cause you to look across the dining room table and notice that you have dedicated your soul to a relationship where he’s rubber and you’re glue and taking the napkin off your lap and pushing in the chair as you quietly walk away becomes your best option.  And after you do, you barely miss dessert. 

There are people out that tell you, "laughter is the best medicine."  Those must be the same people that seek natural cures for a brain tumor, swallowing a pill that smells like kitty litter while wishing away their pains.  There will be times when you think there is a hedgehog trapped within your skull.  So you look to your loved ones and find them hiding something behind their back, only willing to show you the aspirin in one hand and the vuvuzela in the other. 

It’s not fair to your partner when you expect them to solve all of your problems.  And it’s not fair to you when you think that your problems are well-deserved because you must be their solitary cause.  What they say is true: life is not fair and, then again, neither are expectations.  You might as well learn now that expectations can come down from the heavens and kill you fast as lightening.  I speak true when I tell you that compromise is just as deadly.  Yet, somehow, some combination of all this is completely necessary if you stand a chance at love.

“Maybe things will change,” you fantasize as you stare at a brick wall like you might see through.  “Maybe things will get better.  Maybe we can find our happy.” 

Or maybe not.  Maybe things will end.  And maybe they should. 

Do you know what it says to you on Facebook after you break up with someone and change your status back to “single”?  It says, “Your relationship will be canceled upon saving your changes,” as if you were a sitcom that's gone soft in the ratings.  It cuts real deep. 

However, when you look around the room to remove any memories that could sting and you can barely fill a shoebox, you probably made the right decision. 

Anyway, if you’re lucky, your friends will clamor to your aid.  Beware: they might look at you a little extra close in case they have to identify your body later.  But your sadness is always an appropriate time to put on a show.  Give the world your best impression of a hothouse flower and wilt a little while you rant  You’ve earned it!  Choke back tears and make throwaway remarks about your future as an old maid.  Why not wear black?  Not only would that suit the character, it’s slimming. 

Promise yourself that, no matter what happens, you can always send the roses to your own dressing room.  But, afterward, if there are still no flowers in sight, you are merely a fool to be endured.