Date-ja Vu

The most important responsibility you have while on a first date is to fool the other person into wanting to sleep with you. Unless they’re ugly. If that’s the case, the most important responsibility you have while on a first date is to fool the other person into wanting to sleep with you, and then trying to prevent yourself from letting that happen. And if it accidentally does happen, the most important responsibility immediately becomes making sure your friends and co-workers don’t find out.

Mind you, I am in no way advocating that, while dating, you need to be a total whore. Sometimes being a partial whore is perfectly appropriate.  But that depends on who paid for dinner (more on that later). 

By the time I was pulled off the dating market and labeled as “defective goods” a year and a half ago, I had seen a lot of men (in both the figurative sense and the that’s-what-she-said sense).  The truth of the matter is, I hated it.  Dating was stressful, irritating and expensive, so I did everything in my power to (A) increase my chances of getting laid and (B) make myself more comfortable while I was along for the ride. 

To achieve maximum serenity while in the dating pool, I began to conduct an experiment.  I devised a simple, fool-proof first date that I would relive to the minute detail every single weeknight and twice on weekends.  My hypothesis with this experiment was: if I could be steered off of my predetermined course of action, my gentleman friend was someone special and was therefore worth a date number two.  

If we’re going to continue this scientific charade, the course of planned events would be labeled as the independent variable, while the boy that was accompanying me would then become the dependent variable.  Please note that, although I think that my acting ability helped me to organically execute this experiment while managing to keep it consistently fresh for my dependent variable (read: possible future husband), you don't need to be Olivier to pull this shit off.

First, of course, you start with dinner and drinks.  The restaurant should be casual and in a neighborhood where you’re likely to bump into at least 2 people you know to demonstrate your popularity.  You should order an entrée that makes it appear as if it wasn’t your only meal for the day.  Even if you cannot hold your liquor, you should order three drinks.  If your date doesn't drink, don’t let that deter you because you're a lush and this burgeoning relationship should be terminated almost immediately.  When the bill arrives, tabulate a comparative ratio of which party is more attractive factoring in looks, age and annual income.  The lesser attractive of the two is then expected to pay while the more attractive sheepishly acts as if this free dinner wasn’t another victory caused by their genetic entitlement. 

Once the debt been settled, you are ready for your deceitfully romantic walk through Central Park.  If your date happens to be a rowdy (or a bore, for that matter), feel free to stop by a liquor store on 9th Avenue and pick up a small bottle of Captain Morgan’s Rum and some Coke to use as a mixers.   

Enter the park through the Merchant’s Gate, which is located in the northwest corner of Columbus Circle.

The statue was dedicated in 1913 and features a commemorative plaque cast in metal that was salvaged from the shipwreck.  You don’t need to tell him any of that, but think it really loud to feel intellectually superior, especially if you just paid for dinner. 

Walk on a diagonal heading northwest across the Central Park Driveway (that’s the road that gives bicyclists the opportunity to play a mean-spirited game of Frogger) and climb the path that faces north, overlooking the baseball fields.  Take the staircase down that cuts through the Umpire Rock and begin to walk clockwise around the perimeter of the diamonds.  Make light conversation throughout, asking about what his mother majored in at college or if he prefers Splenda to Sweet-n-Low. 

At this point, if this choose-your-own-adventure date has become a total “mission abort”, you can hightail it out of there by taking a left after the second baseball diamond and walking out of the park past what used to be Tavern on the Green.  If you choose to proceed, please do so as follows.

Head towards the Carousel. 

By now, you should be holding hands.  Escort him to the bench directly in the middle of the Carousel’s entrance that is across for the ticket seller's window.  Tell him that this is the exact bench where Holden Caufield sat in the final chapters of “Catcher in the Rye” while waiting for his sister Phoebe.  Tell him how Holden wore his red hunting hat, his “people shooting hat”, as he watched Phoebe go round and round and that it made him so happy he almost cried in order to wash away the last 24 chapters of grief.  Explain that there used to be a game that children would play on that Carousel where they would reach towards the roof and try to pull down a brass ring in order to win a free ride.  Tell him that this is where the saying, “reach for the brass ring” comes from- even if he's never heard the saying before and he doesn’t know what the fuck it means.  Tell him that parents let their children play this game back in the time when they were assumed to be constructed of rubber.  This was long before waking up in the morning was ruled a hazard to your health. 

Now that he thinks you’re a sensitive intellectual, it’s time to head towards the Literary Walk on the Mall.

When you see a homeless person wearing sweatpants he just peed in, remark that just 150 years ago, this is a place where ladies and gentlemen used to parade around in their Sunday best.  Let him snicker and roll his eyes as he clutches your arm.  Inspired by the onslaught of author's eyes from statues all around you, urge him to tell you a story.  This is an integral test for both his willingness to comply to your every fanciful whim, as well as an aptitude test for his creative capacity. 

When you make it to the Bandshell, hurry ahead and spring up onstage.

Hold your hand out and stamp your foot to demand he join you.   Stand strong at center like you’re going to proclaim something monumental until you pull him so close to you that you're almost one person with four legs.  Begin to sing the opening lines of “Blue Moon” as you invite him to dance.

Grab his hand like you’ve got to make a quick getaway (danger is always sexy) and tell him that you need to show him to your “favorite part of the city” as you lead him to the Bethesda Terrace. 

Walk down the center of the staircase so you are perfectly aligned with the central arch.  Ooh and aah at the stunning green angel as you get closer and take his hand as you tell him to look deep into her eyes.  Make him spin around backwards and throw a coin over his shoulder to make a wish.  Kiss him before you say, “I think mine came true,” and then laugh about it because it’s hard to say something that stupid with it sounding sincere.  Let him slug you in the arm for being an adorable jerk before you go to the gap at the back of the enclosure behind the fountain.  Look for turtles in the water.  Pretend that you think turtles are adorable even though it’s widely understood that they are repulsive, prehistoric monsters.  This is very important that you find turtles cute, although I’m not sure why; it likely has something to do with the relationship he has with his penis. 

Sit down on a stone bench in the back corner and gauge if he’ll allow you to smoke.  If so, light up and enjoy.  If not, pretend you don’t mind and act like you don’t want to sock him in the jaw.  Tell him two somethings that sound sort of like secrets and wait for him to kiss you again.  And again.  And when your face is appropriately chapped after several more “again”s, take him up the far staircase to the left of the arches and talk about the thought of how many men and women have walked those very steps before you right after sharing their own first kiss and how the city is a natural conduit for all things love and beauty.

Don’t bring up the possibility of sharing a cab ride home until after you cut to the right and you have spilled out of the park onto 72nd Street.  If he doesn’t opt for the cab ride to your place, consider him a classy dullard and walk him to his train.  If he does opt for the cab to your place, immediately rule out the possibility of a second date while you grope and snicker in the back seat.  Nonchalantly celebrate that you’re going to get some. 

When he walks into your apartment, apologize for the mess, even if there isn’t one.  And whatever you do, don’t use the good towels. 

The morning after, don’t make him breakfast and only walk them to the train if he was good enough in bed to warrant that attention. 

Then, all that’s left to do is sit and wait for him to call. 

Dating is a fierce competition and following this experiment will ensure that you perpetually maintain the upper-hand.  Trust me, it will work time and time again.