Please Don't Leave Me, Meredith Viera.

When I wake up in the morning, several things happen. I scowl at my alarm, I freebase a cup of coffee, I blow-dry my ass crack, and I watch the Today Show. 

Watching the Today Show has been an integral part of my AM routine for the past 7 years. This is for a few reasons.  Primarily, the show is broadcast live from Rockefeller Center and, even in acid rain, the hosts are forced to do their dog and pony show outside for at least 10 minutes.  This give me the most accurate weather forecast I can hope to ascertain, as my office is only a few blocks away. I know that if the gang is only pretending to smile, I should probably bring an umbrella.

The other reason that this is my morning show of choice is because of the relationship forged between its hosts. Matt Lauer, while not as appealingly foxy to me as he is to house frauen everywhere, is an ebullient leader who is able to transition adeptly between a story on coleslaw and a story on Darfur.

Careful, Matt.  They don't call him a monster for nothing.

 Al Roker, while a complete tool, is always reliable for a chuckle.  If you don’t watch the show, Al says his catch phrase, "That's what's happening around the country. Here’s what's happening in your neck of the woods,” a few times every morning to alert the local markets to poke their weather guy with a stick and tell him to start making shit up.  I’ve gotten so used to hearing him say this as a reliable way to pass the baton that it almost doesn’t phase me anymore when he says it even after he didn’t just tell me the fucking weather.  Trust me, this is something I’ve been working on and it used to make me very uncomfortable.  Matt and Al could be yammering on about the cost of eggs in China and Al would still say, “That's what's happening around the country. Here’s what's happening in your neck of the woods.”  It’s unnerving.

 Meredith Viera came into my life when I was 14 years old on a day when I faked sick to stay home, sip Capri Sun and watch my stories.  I discovered a new chat show called The View that was spear-headed by Skeletor herself, Ms. Barbara Walters. Take a look below at actual footage from their first season:

I instantly fell in love with Meredith and declared her an angel sent from heaven.  She is strong, funny, likable, smart and opinionated.  When it was announced that she was going to be moving to the Today Show, I was overjoyed.  And best of all, she has spent the last five years living up to my expectations.  She has been everything I had hoped she would be and more, mostly because of the excellent relationship that she’s developed on camera with Matt Lauer.  The two of them delightfully bicker like siblings and I think it is the perfect dynamic to eat cereal to. 

Meredith's Drivers License Photo

 Naturally, a few months ago when I heard the sad news that Viera was going to be leaving, I began to wear black because the Today Show was dead to me.

"We're lucky that they haven't invented homicide detection yet."

And this week, when they announced that Meredith Viera would be succeeded by Ann Curry, I took it as yet another sign of the apocolypse.  To date, Ann has been an anchor that was sent on stories to places like the South Pole, presumably because they wanted her as far away possible.  While her confused and muddled delivery is often very frustrating to the pre-coffee brain, nothing bothers me more than how awkward she becomes when she has to go off the cue cards and pretend to be a human.  Let’s face it: there’s a reason why they call her an anchor- because every day, she does her best to drag the ship to a slippery halt.

Here are some of the moments that suggest Ann is merely a visitor here from the planet Melmac:

And...

And this gem (skip to 1:56):

After watching everything that I know the Today Show can be, I think I am going to find it hard to tune in with Curry at the wheel (although I probably will anyway because change scares me).  These are the first voices I hear every single day and Ann’s stutter and stop delivery is enough to give you whiplash.  But what are my other options?  The Early Show or Good Morning America.  Ugh, no thank you.  I’d rather stay loyal to the peacock, wear a neck brace and pour my coffee into a travel mug so Ann Curry doesn’t cause a tragic, ball-scorching spill.